Back to Reality

So here it is. The holiday weekend is over and it is time to go back to reality. I do this with the utmost of reluctance. After two days spent in the quiet peacefulness of the country, I am really not ready to get back to work. Of course, I never want to go to work. I hate going to work. HATE IT! I have hated it for quite some time but that hatred was magnified a little over two and a half years ago when my sweet little baby boy was born. I hate getting him out of his comfy bed in the morning and leaving him with the lucky lady who gets to be with him all day while I go off to earn a dollar. I hated it so much that I let myself become so consumed by grief that I became a person who I didn't know and I didn't like much. I was a wallower. I wallowed so far down that I didn't think that happiness could ever be attained. A rather uncomfortable side effect of wallowing, aside from deep, unrelenting unhappiness, is what I like to call fat lady syndrome. I had lost all but ten pounds of baby weight when I went back to work and let it slowly creep back on until I made it up to 199 pounds. 199 pounds of fat, unhappy, woe is me wallowing misery. I had wallowed so long and so far down that I really got sick and tired of my pity party. I was sick of being unhappy and really sick of being fat and feeling bad all the time. I figured no one else was going to make me happy so I had better get cracking.
I suppose, in fairness, I should report that having come to the realization that being a stay at home mom to this new little bundle of joy was not realistic; I began working toward a nursing degree during my pregnancy. I figure that if I am going to have to work, then I might as well do something that I can feel good about. Nursing is a noble profession- not to mention flexible and commands a fairly decent wage. Obviously it has been a slow process as I will FINALLY begin the nursing program in January. I guess about New Years of this year (2010) was my breaking point and it was time to put things into overdrive. I took the leap of faith to cut back my hours from full to part time work and get back to school full time to 'Get 'r Done!' so to speak. I decided that, while I am not a big fan of debt, this was a worthwhile investment and if a student loan is what it takes then that is what we will do! It was scary to cut back my hours at work but the world kept turning and it was easier than I thought it would be. I am happy to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. December 2012, I will be through the program and can obtain a license to practice as a registered nurse. I am just ready to close the door on the current chapter of my professional life and jump into the next one. Unfortunately this change of mine doesn't really work like that. It isn't the proverbial close the door open a window scenario. It is more like a bridge from one life to the next. Only my bridge isn't a charming bridge over a bubbling brooke with vines of ivy and flowers woven through it and birds singing in the air around it. It's more like a rickety old tight rope type of bridge twenty feet over a raging river. I wonder what would happen if I did close the door? What if I slammed it so hard that the door jammed shut? I suppose instead of trying to balance myself across the tight rope bridge, I would have to pull myself up the side of the cliff instead. Some days climbing up the side of the cliff seems much more appealing!
Well it turns out that the fat lady syndrome is a much easier and faster problem to fix. I love to run. Running makes me happy. I have only run two days of the last ten and I AM ready to get back to it. Since Memorial Day weekend, I have lost 35 pounds and finished a half marathon. A HALF MARATHON!!! I discovered it is possible to change my life. It doesn't have to be a 'some day' thing. Some day is today! Some day is -4:30 am, groggy eyed, lace up the running shoes, get the leash on the dog, head out the door, never look back- today! I will get up tomorrow and run. I will run back to reality. I will run away from unhappiness. I will run toward a better tomorrow and take 'some day' one day at a time.